Well, my man got sick. Not in the "oh, let's get some stuff from Albertson's and take a long weekend", but the scary kind. We were supposed to hang out after one of his gigs, and he was late (and I left my phone in the car, so technically I was late) so when I finally realized my flaw, I checked my voicemail and found out that he couldn't feel half of his face.
What?!! How do you not feel half of your face? What do you mean, you can't blink? I rush home, and I'm completely in shock. I know that I was supposed to keep it cool, stay calm & carry on, be a good wife & super supportive & help him be calm (after all-he was the one with half of his face completely paralyzed) but I couldn't. I stood there, in shock, and then started to bawl.
What is it like when you love someone and then something bad happens to them? How do you know what it means to actually realize "in sickness and in health?" Everyone tries to tell you about what's going to happen in marriage, and be prepared for this, don't get upset about that, but you know what? It's all the nicest form of bullshit. It's absolutely impossible for anyone to adequately give advice on anyone else's life! The people are different, the situations are different, the times are different -- how could anything even seem sincere?
We found out that there are words for what he had -- Bell's Palsy. It's random, it's predictable, it's with you for life, it's curable through acupuncture -- that's a snippet of what we heard.
What we didn't hear, was that I was going to have to kick in more than ever before. More than I wanted. More than I was comfortable with. Helping with his meds, taking over the bills, the house, cats, cars, studio, pretty much doing more than what I felt was my fair share. And I was a little pissed.
It can be embarrassing to be honest sometimes-- feeling entitled to our feelings, feeling justified by our actions, knowing that life is more than what we've signed up for. Life is what we ask for. I'm not saying I asked for my man to become paralyzed, I am saying that I asked to be by his side, in sickness and in health. Even though we have our agreement of how to pay the bills, sometimes things change. Sometimes we aren't able to do what we wanted to do. What we agreed to do -- sometimes we agree to things that aren't realistic.
What I realized, is how completely uptight I am. I have such a great way of "coping" with stress, and do you know what that is? Keeping it all inside. Acting like everything is OK. Taking charge of the situation, and making a solution for it. Don't get me wrong -- these skills are very handy. These skills are survival skills, and I've made it this far, right?
Watching my man, my husband, take control of changing his own life -- taking his medicine, going to acupuncture, taking his herbs, changing his work schedule, changing his eating habits -- really taking his health seriously, started to let me see that I was hurting myself more than I was helping us out.
What kind of mom was I going to be if I continue acting like I can fix everything? What kind of boss to myself am I going to be if I continue to pretend that working late nights and skipping lunches is a better way to handle deadlines? What kind of musician could I be doling out advice on how others should live, when I wasn't even heeding my own words? What kind of friend could I be if I continued to keep this inside & not ask for help from those who loved me most?
I'm an analyst - an observer. It's a gift, and it's a challenge. What gives me vision to see clearly, can also turn into a weapon when I use it on myself, without giving myself a chance to acknowledge the positive things about myself.
These past few months have been hard, that's no joke. I've done what felt like "more than what I should have"... and you know what? We made it through. It's what needed to be done. My man couldn't do it, and I could. Now we both have new programs for ourselves -- we're learning how to live with our health in mind, not just our "progress". We're making and honoring time for ourselves - as individuals - and as a couple. I'm realizing that what we have is exactly what I've been looking for.
I'm also realizing that advice is only people trying to show that they care. I do it all the time - in this blog, in my music, with my friends --hoping that by sharing honestly what happens in my life, that it helps someone in theirs. I'm not going to quit anytime soon, and I expect I won't stop hearing "what I should do" from other people either.
What I get to choose, though, is what I'm going to do with it. And hopefully, I can remember to choose love.
One more quick note -- The Notebook is an amazing movie, I cried my eyes out & thought of the love lessons that I've been learning, and how grateful I am for my partner... I was amazed at how beautiful the ending of the movie was, that a couple could leave together like that...
Can you all just send some love to my parents right now? My stepdad lost his dad & mom in a similar way this weekend... his dad went to the other side on Thursday, and even though his mom had Alzheimer's for years -- she decided to leave on Sunday. Today was their joint funeral, in a little town in Montana.
When a movie is that incredibly beautiful and touching, it really makes you realize how powerful real life and love are. Rudy & Marie were married for 70 years this summer--may they be in peace.