Dear Blog,
Hi there, imaginary friend. You're such an amazing listener. You don't talk back, you don't judge, you're just this big blank void of space where I get to lay it all on ya.
The only thing is that I've told people about our relationship.
I did this because I was so excited to share what I've been sharing with you -- I thought it could be one big awesome sharing party!
Well it is, and you've not let me down in any way. This isn't about you - it's about me.
The truth about this is now our relationship feels different. Because people are watching. And listening. And sometimes commenting on what I share with you. Which is cool -- that's why I told them about it in the first place -- it's just that I'm noticeably hesitant. That's the nicest way to say it.
I'm scared. Of what they'll think - of what to say - this isn't polished, or perfected, it's just my thoughts. And I need to share them - my friends and my husband have plenty that they get to know about me, but still - there is stuff that I hold back.
Blame it on my Scorpionic nature or that I am like an iceburg. There's so much going on, but it's mostly below the surface of things. Which is what makes my music so poignant, I know, but when even I am afraid to look below the surface, explore, put names to thoughts and feelings--well, that can seem like a giant looming thing lurking below my surface. And it makes me feel uneasy.
That's why I haven't been writing to you lately, and I'm sorry. See, everyone says that the first year of marriage is so important and blah blah blah, but what they don't tell you is that once you've made it through that--then what?
We've been doing a lot of awesome things - moved to an amazing place - have a lot more nature in our lives, work has been so rad for me, I'm super busy and making money, lately I have been so creative it's almost hard to fathom -- like two new songs birthing themselves inbetween meetings and task lists -- and I'm freaking out.
There are dirty clothes everywhere, not just in one place anymore either. At home and at the studio, it's like explosion central. My office - the heart of my creative outlets - is filled with scraps of t-shirts, bits of sewing patterns, piles of new fabric from the thrift store, wax and wicks for my candles, a pile of recycling that is as tall as my desk, food from lunches at my desk attracting ants behind me, and dishes in the sink from parking lot bbq's.
Creatively speaking, this has been a bumper crop year.
Relationshiply speaking, this is super hard to live through.
My manager called today and said that it's so common - after the first year it's even harder! Messes are still being made, things are still being done "wrong", hanging out is not about fun but about taking care of things -- admitting that I didn't even look forward to our first anniversary -- that it felt like a "chore" to try and schedule -- so gnarly to say out loud. Hearing back that I'm not alone in that? Such a relief. I've been feeling that there's something seriously wrong with me - that my default is set to "suck" at relationships - but somewhere I know that can't be true.
Even with you, Blog, I'm being honest. Sure, it's taken a while, but I want to keep this thing going. You help me out a ton, and I'm sure my posts garner some sort of rating for your site traffic.
This afternoon I was listening to old archives of my stuff - I like to record ideas on my phone so I don't forget them - and this one song brought a half-smile to my lately unsmiling face. I wrote it years ago about a guy that I was admiring through his blog, and it was so clear to me what he needed to do to find happiness. Listening to it today was like reminding myself what I need to do to find my own happiness.
Because the truth is, I do have an amazing husband who will work through this shitty stuff with me. We'll figure out how to have more and better time for each other, I'm sure. Because the fact that even I don't know entirely what's going on with me right now, doesn't mean that I'm broken. It just means that I don't have any hindsight yet. I'm in whatever "it" is. And I don't know how long I'll be in it, because I don't think I've ever REALLY gone here before. And consciously, I know that's a good thing, because I'm trying to be real with myself. Even though it sucks. Even though it's super hard to feel.
And, as I am reminded, I am not alone.
Thank you, Blog, I'll write again soon.
Stephanie
PS. You can listen to the song - hopefully the link above works out alright... let me know if it didn't though...