I'm about to share some stuff that is pretty scary for me, because it is my heart.
A while ago, ok, if I'm supposed to be honest here, it was exactly seventeen months and six days ago that I was supposed to be having band practice.
Nate and Bear were on time, and I was late. I was having a super emotional day, called my bestie to talk about if I should cancel band or not, because I was all tears and no voice. She encouraged me to let them into my heart, share my feelings, and just see where it went.
What happened in the three hours that followed our phone call completely changed my life.
I had never let anyone into my musical heart space before, never let anyone into my songwriting process before, never let anyone even witness how completely vulnerable I become when I get in touch with my muse...and it absolutely scared me more than anything else. I am so fortunate to have two amazing men who love and support me, my music, and my intensions, and they were absolutely amazing during our "practice".
I was processing some pretty heavy emotions about life... my oldest brother had unexpectedly died just two years before that (two months before I recorded "Why Do We Sing") and I was still processing that pain. I was also really confronting childhood feelings that I had buried for years about the attention I needed while I was being raised, and the misunderstanding I felt for so many years of my life. I was currently in a relationship that was thriving, growing, healing and healthy, but I was still hung up on a lot of old fears and emotions from my failed marriage six years prior.
I'm talking, heavy shit. The skeletons that most people bury in their closet for life–never wanting to exume the past feelings, bring air to old situations, and heal hearts.
This is the "can of worms" I was about to let my band into, and see if they wanted to go there with me.
I am still humbled and not sure how to explain what happened, because it was as if time were suspended. I didn't know what was going to happen, just that I needed to feel all of these feelings, and let them out musically. Bear and Nate knew that they were there to support wherever I needed to go, whatever sounds would come out of it. What we didn't know was that this journey would change us all.
The sparse landscape of sound, the heavy, loud, aching bits, the peaceful, lifting, airy resolve, the words that would come and the worlds that would open up... these are just some of the English words that I can use to describe what I am calling "The Healing Sessions". These moments in time are recorded as sound, as space, as emotion, and as intangible beauty... but at first, I didn't see it that way.
I was very calm, peaceful, present, and utterly grateful to Bear and Nate for joining, helping, exploring and contributing to my life, to that "band practice", and so humbled to be alive and able to let that kind of thing flow through me. I was spent of energy, but Bear was not. He was so invigorated and excited to listen back to what had been recorded, so he cued it up and started playing it for me.
As I listened to the missed beats, discordant moments, melodies that weren't lining up, I felt my stomach begin to boil. I was becoming so furious I couldn't even stand it. I angrily told Bear to stop playing it back, and to never play it again. He was so confused! And hurt! I was SO upset with all of the imperfections that I heard in the music, that I didn't even hear music. I just heard failures. I was completely crushed. So Bear, in his insane wisdom, turned off the machine, saving the session.
About a month later I humbly apologized. I asked him to play the entire session for me. Amazingly, he accepted my apology and hit play.
I was moved to tears with what I heard. I had enough distance from the emotions of that day, the impulsiveness I felt before, and the awareness that what I was listening to was life.
Life is imperfect.
Life is full of these things and people that misalign, these melodies that conflict with each other. Life is also ever-present with unbearable beauty, simplicity and space, colors that change and grow and build - manifestations of the unknown into breathtaking People, places, and things.
They are all very simple building blocks, we call them nouns. How they're put together brings beauty and meaning to our lives. Sharing them with others is how we build relationships. These relationships are what enrich our lives, encouraging us to pass goodness and hope to others.
It's now March 4th, 2011. A long distance from October 15, 2009. Yet today is the perfect day to announce to the world, March Forth! So I will...
"The Healing Sessions" are going to be available for public listening in May. They are an exploration of life, an opportunity for transcendence, a sonic space for healing. I want this release to be part of a far-reaching mission to encourage listeners to pause, be brave in their lives, open up their closets and shed light and life on their fears. It is possible for all of us to heal ourselves, and I need your help.
Will you share this with people you know that are interested in this kind of potential?
Will you help me build my network and bring this music to those that need it most?
Since you've been reading my blogs, and are getting to know me, you are also learning that I am super good at staying in my studio :) I acknowledge that I'm not the best person to market my music, promote my band, and get the general "buzz" up. I'm realizing that's not why I'm here. I'm supposed to be living life, experiencing it, and sharing it with others... I'd like to think I'm getting pretty good at that. :)
My friend, Rick at The RTE Group is going to be helping me with my social networking stuff, and we're also really going to need your help. One of the missions in my life is to bring healing and inspiration to others through live sound, performances, and workshops.
If you would like to host a concert, workshop, or know someone or a venue that is open to what I do, please let me know! I look forward to sharing more with you on this... until then, in your own lives, MARCH FORTH!!!!Labels: family, inspiration, music, purpose, trust